Week 1 Story:The Doubting Shade

As was the custom of my people, I was to go out into the forest on the eve of my birthday. One night alone, with no supplies and no food or drink, from dusk until the first glimmer of light at dawn. When I returned I would be different, in more ways than one. Not only would I now be an adult in the eyes of those around me, my spirit would be tempered, my resolve tested. There would be something different about me then when had I left. No one who succeed in this trial remained the same. Those who came back successful where changed irrevocably, like they knew some great secret, a burden that was accepted with defiant grace. Those who came back in failure were broken and though they lived among us, they drifted though the village like wraiths. Then of course, there were those who never came back at all.

Before tonight, I had never entered the forest alone, it was forbidden, and doing so would call for my immediate exile from the only home I had ever known. Better not risk it. However, I had been in the forest before, walking with my friends, gathering and hunting with my parents and siblings. I knew how to survive, I knew every trail like the back of my hand. The forest was not a scary place to me, it was home. As I stood at the edge of the village, waiting for the horizon to engulf the sun, it was not fear that caused my body to tremble, rather it was a strange mix of apprehension and anticipation that held me suspended in my body. What would happen tonight, what I would learn that I had not already known,. As the final rays of light faded, my grandmother hugged me, she was the only one allowed to wait by my side as the time approached, kissed my forehead and left without a world. As I watched her silver head vanish I knew this was it. I turned and took my first step onto the shrouded path.

I cannot say how long I walked until something changed. Before, the trees had been comforting, whispers of reassurance trickled from branch to branch. The undergrowth a blanket over the cold grown, capturing the moonlight like droplets of liquid silver. The air pressed upon me, not oppressive but gentle. The new sensation of silence was peaceful. I felt like was floating. As if I were walking on paths made of gossamer. I was aware of everything about myself. The way my golden was caught up by the breeze, a stay lock trailing down my neck and tickled my skin. I could feel the rocks beneath my shoes, small pebbles turning over as I trod along the path. Every breath seemed to be too loud, too foreign, and too human to belong in this tranquil forest. Every sensation amplified. I could feel everything, hear the smallest noise, see every subtle movement of the world around me.

Then, suddenly, I was not alone. Standing in my path was not some frightening entity. Rather, it was me. Those were my own eyes staring back at me, piercing blue, calculating. Suddenly, I was afraid and as she opened her mouth to speak, I wanted to run, to flee from this specter, but I was frozen, caught like a petrified mouse in a cats gaze.

“Why do you try so hard? What is it about yourself that you think is so special that you are worthy of anything? There is nothing about you remotely good or useful. That’s why the sent you out here, you know, to be disposed of. Forgotten. You are a drain of resources, you have no skills to call your own, and no one will ever want you. It would be better if you never went back, that way you will not be a disappointment.”

That drew me up. I began to think about all the things I hated about myself. The scars on my face and back from a hunt gone wrong. That my eyes were slightly too small or my nose to big for my face. That I was I was too tall, and no male would want to be dwarfed his bride. That I was nosy, and insensitive. Or how I would rather hunt then mend clothing. All my doubts and self-loathing came to forward, and I was drowning in it. I was caught in a tide of reservations and repugnance that was drawing me out to sea. But then I had a thought, one small glimmer caught my mind’s eye and I spoke back to my mirrored image.

“It does not matter. Even if I am unable at the moment I will learn. If I am not worthy in the eyes of others at the very least I will be worthy in the eyes of myself. I will turn my flaws into strength and beauty I will make myself invaluable others. I will never give up. I will try and try again. If I cannot do it by myself yet then my mother will teach me, my father will guide me, my brothers will push me, and my friends will support me until I can. Either way, I will succeed. So it does not matter at the moment, the future is open.”

My specter smiled at me, a secretive smirk, both bitter and hopeful. Then she disappeared fading into the morning mist. Dawn had arrived. As I wondered towards home, I thought about what I had seen and done. I had not gained some great secret like I had thought I would. There was no great mystery I had uncovered. I had simply realized what was already there.

~ ~ ~ ~

As I walked by myself,

And talked to myself,

Myself said unto me,

Look to thyself,

Take care of thyself,

For nobody cares for thee.

I answered myself,

And said to myself,

In the self-same repartee,

Look to thyself,

Or not to thyself,

The self-same thing will be.

~ ~ ~ ~

Author's Note- While the original poem from Andrew Lang is simply about someone alone having a conversation with himself or herself it reminded several sayings. 1) Man is his own worst enemy. by Marcus Tullius Cicero. 2) You are your worst critic. Which both helped to inspire the specter. Also I was somewhat inspired by Nathaniel Hawthorne's story Young Goodman Brown where an unsuspecting puritan man goes out into the forest at night, where he meets other people along the way, and when he eventfully returns home his is no longer the same man who left. This story clearly inspired the setting of my tale but the plot is taken from the poem.

Bibliography- "As I Walked by Myself" from The Nursery Rhyme Book by Andrew Lang. Web Source

"Young Goodman Brown" from Mosses from an Old Manse by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Web Source.

Image:"girl person walking footbridge" by Unsplash at Pixabay