“I’m bored, entertain me.” Demanded Hera as she lay on Zeus lap.
“I’m busy, go entertain yourself”
“But there is nothing in the scrying pool to watch. Ares is playing with his knives and Hephaestus won’t come out of his room. Athena hates me and everyone else is busy!”
“Then go play with those mud monkeys you so adore, they are always entertaining. Go torment another hero. Start a few wars for all I care. Just go away.”
“Hump, fine then. I’ll just…”
A thought suddenly occurred to Hera as she slunk away. Why not do exactly what Zeus suggested? After all, what could it hurt? It’s not like wars were uncommon among humans. Fights between humans was always entertaining. Hera could turn it into a grand event. An epic battle for the ages, the best of this century. A showdown between the two greatest powers the humans had at moment-Greece verses Troy. Yes. That sounded perfect, but how to start it all off? Maybe a broken promise? No that would be forgettable. Maybe an insult of lineage? No those are to common, it wouldn’t be bold enough for something of this scale. What about love, nothing makes a better story then a slighted lover. Now to start off this party.
Hera wondered off to find Aphrodite and Ares to help her in her quest to make a war that captivate everyone on Olympus.
Hera’s Diary- Several weeks later
Well, that went well. Even better than I thought it would. Let me lay it out for you.
Aphrodite got Paris (a visiting dignitary form Troy to Greece) to fall in love with Helen (who was the wife of Agamemnon, a powerful Greek king. Then they ran off together. Then Ares, the clever boy that is, incited Agamemnon to go after her and bring her back. It gets even better, even Ares and I did not predict this. Agamemnon got all the other Greeks kings to follow him to Troy. Then, when Paris leaned of his pursuers, he fled to his family near Troy and begged for help and they accepted. Now, instead of two small city-states duking it out, there are two entire regions battling on the shores of Asia minor. Even better, it’s not a bunch of small fodder men battling, it’s the greatest heroes of this age: Achilles and Odysseys, Hector and Deiphobus. It is going to be epic
Hera’s Diary- Year 9 of the Trojan war
The past few years have been great. Epic battles and romances, violence galore. There has always been something exiting in the scrying pool to watch. It’s been great family time. I think this is the longest time I have spent with my siblings since Father ate us. Everybody’s been having a great time. Olympus has turned into an eternal party. There is betting pool, everyone is drunk and having a good time. This has got to be the best idea that I have ever had.
However, Thestis got all upset that her son, Achilles, was not getting enough pool time. It’s not like it’s my fault that Achilles got all upset over Agamemnon taking away his slave girl. It’s his own fault. He should not have gotten into a fight and then proceed to pout when he lost. He was wrong anyway. Agamemnon won that girl fair and square. Why should he have to give the girl back simply because her father was a priest? I digress. Thestis went and complained to Zeus. Forgetting that Achilles was not getting view time because he was not fighting. After all, who wants to watch a spoilt brat play harp and get drunk all day? Anyway, Zeus listened to the bint. Probably because they are sleeping together.
The problem is that Zeus is interfering with my project. The one he told me to do! What, is he now all out of work to do? Back to the point, he ‘somehow’ got the Greeks to charge Troy. He probably hoped that if the Greeks went to fight, Achilles would be too much of a war-hawk to resist following. Whatever, the brat was too busy pouting to notice, either that or he was passed out dunk, one of the two. That’s not the problem. The problem is that because the Greeks were losing, Patroclus, Achilles lover, got involved. You see, he stole Achilles’ armor and pretended to be him. Then, when he got found out someone killed him. I LIKED Patroclus! He was the only reason I ever paid attention to Achilles. Deep Breaths.
Hera’s Diary-The next day
Huh, that turned out well. I guess even Achilles has his redeeming features. I may owe Zeus an apology. His idiocy may have made things more entertaining. Achilles got so mad that Patroclus died, that he finally dragged his head out of the wineskin and did something productive. He went out to the battle field and scared away all the Trojans just by yelling at them. It was HILARIOUS. Then, the next morning he went out clad in new armor to face the Trojans in battle. Every. Single. One of them fled to the city, I bet the laundry is going to be cleaned tonight.
All but one that is, poor brave foolish Hector. I had thought he was intelligent. Hector waited at the gates to battle Achilles. Then, when Achilles approached, Hector was so afraid he ran. It would have been funny if it weren’t so pathetic. Eventually, Achilles caught up to Hector and slew him. Then he tied Hector to his chariot and dragged the body around the city. The body is fine, after all, that is the wrong type of gore for my audience, wouldn’t want to lose viewers.
Anyway, all this excitement has made me think that maybe its time to start winding up, nine years is enough, and Poseidon has approached me about plans for a new show. After all it's not like this war is going to change history.
Authors Note- The original story concept came from Homer's Illid. My story starts off differently then Homers. Rather then jealously of several goddess over who is the most beautiful goddess, it was simply the boredom of one. There are still aspects that are the same, like the involvement of Hera and Aphrodite and the 'theft' of Helen by Paris. Overall, I did not change the original story that much aside from the opening. The biggest change is that rather then being serious, I took a more light-hearted take. Rather then a clashing of family, where the Gods are incredibly divided. I thought it would be nice if the atmosphere was more like a Superbowl party, where there are sides but overall everyone is having fun. I came up with this during the scene where Thesits was asking Zeus to give the Greeks a reason to need Achilles. It stuck me during the scene that 1) Hera was a bit of a winy brat and 2) the gods were partying. I kinda wanted to see what the war was like from the perspective of these immortal beings, where 10 years is nothing. I know there is a lot missing, but I included what I felt like were key scenes, such as the beginning of the war, the fight between Achilles and Agamemnon, the death of Patroculus its results. While everything else is important to humans, it would not be to the Gods. Originally, I had planned to write this more like a reality show, but I fell in love with this valley girl Hera and had to continue her story. I feel like this captures the essence of the Gods more then the other format would have. It showed just how trivial humans were to them. The pictures were easier to select. The first fit too well with the opening scene to discard, it gave the perfect scene to set up the story. The second was slightly harder. I wanted something that would show Hera, not as a vengeful goddess, but as someone who wanted to have a good time, who was so privileged that lives meant noting to her. I think the last pic true captures that, she seems to have a slight glint in her eye that screams bad news for us puny mortals.
